Managing Social Anxiety: Holiday Edition
The holidays are just around the corner, but if we are being honest, they are not merry and bright for everyone. Sometimes they can trigger feelings of sorrow due to loss, other times, they might bring up heightened feelings of anxiety given the crowded family time. Between fending off questions about your personal life, addressing the comments about your weight, and responding to remarks about your career trajectory, the holiday season is a great time to examine those social anxiety levels, or rather, what we are doing to manage them. While it might seem easiest to simply avoid uncomfortable gatherings altogether, learning to move through the discomfort is the gift that will keep on giving no matter what surprises life brings. Below are three steps to gaining more insight about social/familial anxiety. While this is not a substitute for therapy, it is a great way to start exploring what particular piece about the holidays presses on your buttons.
1. Notice the physiological
Noticing how our bodies respond to stressful situations is the first step to recognizing how we are feeling in the moment. Do you tend to scrunch up your shoulders? Feel tightness in your chest? Perhaps experience a persistent stomach ache? Going through the following worksheet and remembering how you physically felt in an uncomfortable environment creates a better awareness of your body’s subconscious response before the feelings emerge.
2. Walk through the thought process
Thoughts are powerful, especially since they reveal deeper insecurities and beliefs that we hold about ourselves. What are some thoughts that occur about YOURSELF when you prepare to visit the family? Are you too shy/chatty/awkward/behind? Maybe you’re still figuring yourself out and it feels like you’re running out of time? What are the thoughts about what OTHER PEOPLE might think of you? Is there concern about disappointing a loved one? Perhaps fear that someone’s misguided assumptions about you have turned out to be true? If you answered yes to everything, that’s okay too. I often feel the same way. Thoughts are much harder to address when they are locked inside of our minds; by writing them down and confronting them line by line, you gain a clearer perspective of the “self” that you are up against.
3. Evaluate the behavior
Everyone has a go-to avoidance behavior for things that they don’t want to do. Whether it’s procrastination, distraction, or paralysis, we create opportunities to prolong the confrontation for as long as possible (preferably never). When it comes to spending time with others during the holidays, do you notice yourself fidgeting more while talking with family? Do you utilize safety behavior such as only being around certain family members, or electing to help out with preparations so there is less opportunity for small-talk? Avoidance is natural and there is nothing wrong with creating little pockets in a stressful environment to feel more successful at surviving. However, being aware of the avoidance behaviors that are happening can help highlight suppressed feelings about the people you are gathering with, and maybe even offer new understanding regarding the underlying anxiety.
In my own life, social anxiety comes up when I think about going home and having to repeat the same conversation at least eight times with a never-ending parade of uncles, aunties, and family friends. It’s not that I don’t want to share about what’s going on, but when the general response is either veiled criticism or unsolicited advice, it makes me want to retreat back into my shell of comfort. The way I carve out some space for myself is to instill frequent breaks for more food, drinks, or the bathroom after each interaction. Even when I feel frustrated that I cannot express myself fully, I rely on these tools to remind myself that the discomfort is temporary, and I can be comfortable with myself, regardless of what other people think.
According to the Managing Social Anxiety Workbook, bad memories are often the primary instigator of future avoidance. Unfortunately, “avoidance prevents the opportunity to have a more successful experience, and the bad experience continues to control [us].” Perhaps after going through these worksheets and examining your behavior, it will be apparent that your holiday blues are not due to social anxiety, but something else entirely (exhaustion, grief, loneliness, burnout, financial concerns, etc.). Whether it is doing worksheets, going to therapy, or practicing meditation, the outcome is never zero anxiety; instead, our goal as therapists is to provide clients with applicable tools to actively address the anxiety as it comes up, just like a physical therapist teaches certain stretches for painful flares. Ultimately, we hope that during this busy season you can find ways to take care of your needs, spend time doing what you love, and continuously build towards a healthier you.
