DEAR conflict, it’s over!

When was the last time you had an argument (aka “big talk”) with someone? Communication is a big buzzword that we hear about frequently in relational therapy sessions, whether between a parent and child or a couple in conflict. In the midst of an argument with someone that you love, it can be very difficult to pause and examine the words that are flying out of your mouth, let alone reflect on what it is that you are asking to change. DEAR is a simple yet effective acronym that can help organize one’s thoughts in preparation of big conversations. While having a structured way of addressing concerns might not seem as “fun” as a spontaneous interaction, if the end goal is a stronger relationship, then this tool can just be a temporary stepping stone.

Describe the situation: The “D” in DEAR stands for describe the situation. This is the time to lay out the facts and examine the impact. Describing the situation is not about assigning blame to anyone, but rather looking at the event and specifically identifying the things that were concerning. A few examples of this first step might sound like: 

“Hey, when you told me that you would do the laundry and it still wasn’t done after I got home…” 

“When you asked me about my break-up in front of everyone…”

“When you told me had to eat my vegetables before I could eat what I wanted…”

Express the emotions: The “E” in DEAR stands for express the emotion. Here is where you can dig deep for what you are feeling to showcase some vulnerability. Expressing your emotions shows the other person how they are impacting you, but it does not mean that they are responsible for how you are feeling. Remember, “I feel like…” is usually followed by an action, not a feeling, so pausing to reflect on the actual feelings can be really helpful here. For example:

“Hey, when you told me that you would do the laundry and it still wasn’t done after I got home, I felt exhausted and a little ignored.”

“When you asked me about my break-up in front of everyone, I felt exposed. It was embarrassing.”

“When you told me I had to eat my vegetables before I could eat what I wanted, I felt frustrated.”

Ask for what you want: The “A” in DEAR stands for ask for what you want. As anyone who is human can attest, just because you ask for something, does not mean that you will get it, but stating your needs explicitly makes your expectations clear. When the other person knows what you are requesting, it also gives them an opening to see whether or not your request is feasible. If the request is fulfilled and the person is still experiencing some negative feelings, it can shed light on possible deeper issues. For example: 

“Hey, when you told me that you would do the laundry and it still wasn’t done after I got home, I felt exhausted and a little ignored. Next time do you think you can have the load running by the time I come back?”

“When you asked me about my break-up in front of everyone, I felt exposed. It was embarrassing. I don’t mind sharing, but next time can you wait until we are in private to talk about those things?”

“When you told me I had to eat my vegetables before I could eat what I wanted, I felt frustrated. Can I just decide what I want to eat first? If I have to eat vegetables I will, but I don’t want to finish them before I eat the good stuff.”

Reward the listener: The “R” in DEAR stands for reward the listener. It might seem somewhat ridiculous, but letting the other person know that you appreciate their time can go a long way. Rewarding the listener also places the focus on conflict resolution, rather than a list of all the things the other person is doing wrong. Working on conflict requires both parties to lean in towards each other, so rewarding the listener is like waving a signpost that you are not charging into this conversation with guns blazing ready to tear them down. Putting it all together: 

“Hey, when you told me that you would do the laundry and it still wasn’t done after I got home, I felt exhausted and a little ignored. Next time do you think you can have the load running by the time I come back? I really appreciate your willingness to help around the house and make our lives easier.”

“When you asked me about my break-up in front of everyone, I felt exposed. It was embarrassing. I don’t mind sharing, but next time can you wait until we are in private to talk about those things? Thanks for caring and wanting to support.”

“When you told me I had to eat my vegetables before I could eat what I wanted, I felt frustrated. Can I just decide what I want to eat first? If I have to eat vegetables I will, but I don’t want to finish them before I eat the good stuff. Thanks for letting me share.”

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman writes about the importance of a “soft start-up” for addressing conflict. DEAR Is a great tool to work through the event, but without a soft opening and willingness to have a discussion, this can easily turn into every other argument despite your good intentions. We encourage you to always take some time for personal reflection and allow your emotions to settle before addressing someone else, so that you are starting from a neutral ground, rather than a stressed-out, heightened state. If you try this out, let us know how that conversation goes in the comments!